There’s more to healing
Today I am crying tears of awe and gratitude.
I am remembering a tender chapter of my life. I was pregnant with my son, Alexander. I had just moved to Litchfield, Connecticut. I didn’t know anyone. I was feeling disoriented in my primary relationships. Overall, I had a strong center of who I was/am but the external world didn’t seem to reflect what I felt inside.
Inside I felt…
wholly capable.
wealthy in my relationship to a higher power.
curious and loving.
itchy for a life of abundant resources.
committed to my vision for birth and motherhood.
Outside of me…
we had little money.
people tried to scare me away from my plan to birth at home.
there were regular squabbles about my need for fun and affection.
we shared a car so I was home alone a lot.
Even though back then my Somatic Attunement skills were not in full bloom, the roots were deepening into the muck of all the challenges I faced living in a new community far, far away from family and the yoga community I had fostered.
One day, when my son’s father and I were at a thrift store picking up used books to resell on Amazon, I found the book that made my interview on Susun Weed’s podcast possible. See, I had heard about Susun Weed from my yoga teacher, Mimi Ray, and I had been sipping some nettle brews. But I hadn’t yet been introduced into the fullness of Susun’s perspective. Finding Herbal for the Childbearing Year while I was a few months pregnant was like finding water in the desert. I thirsted for the affirming words and simple practices that Susun shares. When I saw Susun’s address listed as Woodstock, New York, I immediately started looking over her website. I was awe struck by the following…
“Thank you for inquiring about shamanic herbal apprenticeship. Please be aware that apprentices are not students. Shamanic herbal apprenticeship is the most difficult way to study with Susun. When you agree to be a shamanic apprentice you are hiring Susun to scream at you, to tell you when you are not in truth, to bite off your excuses, in short, to kill the part of you that prevents you from claiming, and living to the fullest, your power, beauty, strength, and healing abilities. You will cry. You will be pushed. You will at some point think you have made a terrible mistake. You may leave. And you are welcome to return. Susun commits to her apprentices for life.”
I told myself, I am going to be an apprentice of Susun Weed. Once I give birth and can comfortably leave my son, I will be a live out apprentice.
And apprentice I did. I still remember my first day with Susun. There were very few words that I spoke that were not met with her sharp critique.
At that point, I wasn’t even there for my apprenticeship! I was taking on the first of the ten days of work exchange listed as prerequisites for applying for apprenticeship.
“I’ve been to numerous teachers, years of therapy and today I am uncovering more about myself than in all of those years!” I said to Susun.
“That’s what I often hear,” she replied.
I furiously picked cherry tomatoes, wanting to prove my work ethic. She asked me to choose some herbs from the CSA garden. When I presented them she said, “BLECH, lemon balm! Get that away from me. I can’t stand it!”
Susun was literally the first person in my whole life that I felt expressed strong emotion in a way that allowed other people to also express themselves. She meets a lot of criticism for being who she is and she doesn’t allow the projections of others to stop her from being herself.
Over the first year of work exchange and my apprenticeship, I felt my insides churn. My anxiety would peak every single time I pulled into her driveway.
While I was there doing work or studying in class, I noticed myself in whole new ways. I noticed when I was playing nice. I noticed when I was making myself smaller. I noticed when I didn’t speak up. I noticed when I wanted to lie.
There were a few times during my visits where my mind tried to convince me to get up and leave. And I stayed.
I stayed for what was palpably happening inside of me.
I integrated parts of myself that had been disowned for being “less than spiritual.” Parts that my caregivers couldn’t tolerate when I was young, so I stuffed them down and became sweeter, more easy to be around.
“Praise is free, pay for criticism.”
Susun Weed is, to me, the most powerful teacher of our time. Before I would ever, ever, ever seek medical intervention, I would call her on this podcast. You will receive perspective from Susun that will illuminate, challenge and delight you.
Simply being on Susun’s show feels like another level of initiation. Initiations, Susun teaches, are not endings - an initiation is a beginning.
And I’m going to share something with all of you, something a weekly Somatic Attunement client told me last week:
“I really don’t want to do this. Every week, I don’t want to do this. You’re asking me to look at parts of myself that make me very uncomfortable.”
“Yet you show up,” I said to him.
“Yes, I show up because it’s finally showing me who I get to be,” he replied.
We can cope with our stress or we can become nourished by our stress. We can meet our challenges knowing that a deeper wisdom will emerge. We can stop retelling the same tired stories about why we are limited. We can heal ourselves!
We must remember how innate our healing power is in a world that wants to sell us quick fixes and tell us to just deal with it.
Somatic Attunement skills, once learned, are yours forever. The skillfulness that I teach is meant to remind you of your power.
Get off the hamster wheel of self-development. Stop the flagellation of heroic spiritual teachings that were never meant for householders or women. Question what your doctor says about your fate.
There’s more to healing and I’m here to walk beside you.
